Dr. Space C.L.A.S.S.R.O.O.M. Quotes
    Pencils
    Compiled List of Actually Said Statements Recorded Oblivious to the Orator's Mind

    THIS PAGE IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE TEACHERS, PROFESSORS,
    SUPERVISORS AND INSTRUCTORS OUT THERE...

    It took me until my sophomore year in college to discover that instuctors say some pretty silly things that we'll never hear again.

    Please email me to contribute to the list. Your name and quote will be added!!

    Last Updated October 12, 2009
    • History
    • Mathematics
    • Computer Science
    • Life Sciences
    • Why I didn't go to class..
    • Aviation
  • Dating
  • BBS/user chat profiles
  • ROTC/Military
  • Religious
  • Career job
  • Work phrases I hate



    • HISTORY

    HIST376 HISTORY OF AMERICAN CULTURE - U OF DAYTON: (Thanks, bro)
    • "People are always dying in these books!"
    • "I'm sorry, but these papers were in the line of fire in the major coffee disaster I had a few weeks ago."



    MATHEMATICS

    MATH151 CALCULUS I - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "This is what's called the 9 o'clock sag" -Prof describing the dip in a SIN wave at our 9AM class
    • "This math problem is like comparing cheerleaders to goblins"
    • "So now that you know the answer, the next time you run into the kid on the street, you can tell him."
    • "This function will cause the graph to explode asymtotically."
    • "The calculator is the curse of technology."
    • "I do not subscribe to nor endorse this function."
    • "When we are determining convergence, we flip + and - signs as we move along the curve. This is called the flip-flip-shuffle."

    MATH252 CALCULUS III - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "These are the pits and pimples of the curve." -Prof describing a sine wave with a large trough and amplitude

    MATH168 - U OF DAYTON (From bro):
    • Relating to the integral cos(x^2): "Not even God could do this integral!"

    MATH 475 PROBABILITY - ILLINOIS TECH (Thanks Darth):
    • "What are the odds you get 2 blue balls?"


    COMPUTER SCIENCE

    CS425 DATABASE SYSTEMS - ILLINOIS TECH:
    The prof cannot communicate with callers who, from remote-sites, call in with questions about the lecture. For example:
    • Prof: "Caller?... caller, go ahead... hello??"
      Caller: "HELLO?!?? I'M TRYING TO REACH MY AUNT IN CALIFORNIA!"
      Prof: "No, i'm sorry, you've reached CS425 at Illinois Institute of Technology. Can I help you?"
      Caller: "WHAT??? I'M TRYING TO REACH CALIFORNIA!"
    • Prof: "What's the question again?"
      Caller: "I'm trying to understand why this function occurs on board #2."
      Prof thinks about the questions for a minute and responds, "So now let's take a second case study on board #3."

    CS450 OPERATING SYSTEMS I - ILLINOIS TECH:
    The prof to this class and the cameraman are both new! It's the perfect combination for disaster!
    • Caller: "Hello? Can you tell the cameraman to move to the board you're working on. The camera's been on board #2 for 5 minutes now!"
      Prof: "Uh... hey--can you move to board #3 please?"
      Cameraman pans off to edge of blackboard and into the curtains.
    • Caller is trying to get through to the prof for the past 5 minutes but the ceiling speaker volume is too low.
      Prof: "Oh! We have a caller?? Yes--go ahead."
      Speaker is silent.
      Prof: "Can you turn the speaker volume up please?"
      Speaker: "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again...."
    • Prof: "Now what would you do if your virtual address space was broken up into MEGA-CHUNK-Os?"
    • When talking about the midterm, prof said "long answer bad - make professor mad."
    • "If the software label says STATE-OF-THE-ART or BETA, then run like hell from it!"
    • "At the same time, you need to reinable your interrupts before you fall off the face of the earth!"
    • "The higher the count, the better tha chances the page stays and you get to play with all your memory friends."
    • "So if your UNIX I-node gets trashed, your system will become seriously hosed."

    CPS460 COMPUTER GRAPHICS - U OF DAYTON (Thanks bro):
    • "The bitmap on top gets first DIB's"

    CPS346 - U OF DAYTON (Thanks bro):
    • "The pre-emptive OS is the 'You sit down and shut up, I'm in control' OS."

    CPS250 - U OF DAYTON (Thanks bro):
    • Regarding a C string-search function that uses pointers instead of indexing:
      "I suggest you go in a darkened room with a gentle drink and ponder this."
    • "A student told the teacher that the string result from his function returned only 15 instead of 16 blanks. The teacher responded by saying: "Oh..you know what?..you're right....you flunk."
    • "Malloc() returns a pointer in a plain brown wrapper."
    • Regarding a stack to store linked list pointers you want to trash in a bottom-up approach: "Now I don't want to see animal rights activists saying stuff at the bottom of the avail stack will barely be touched, because it doesn't matter."
    • "What would be your motivation to use a linked list? Not love..."
    • "I'm not convinced that C++ is the salvation of all mankind"

    CS445 OBJECT-ORIENTED PROGRAMMING - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "Forgive me if we ever have a chalk incident."
    • "I really can't stand it when you overload the bang operator."
    • "The program don't work, but the error checking is great! ...this is a slight clooge."
    • "I've got other things to make you worry about."
    • "You probably don't understand half the sh**... uh--stuff..."

    CS487 SOFTWARE ENGINEERING - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • (In Software Engineering, an STD is a State Transition Diagram.)
      "One of my favorite parts of the STD is the testing. It's a real aid."
    • "No! We're not going to be putting blueberry muffins in the software!"
    • "We're not talking about research&development in a non-nutritional sense..."
    • "This tool captures all kinds of strokes."

    CS440 PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES AND TRANSLATORS - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "ICON Level 1 is a bullsh** level."
    • "It's almost certain the global variable will get you in the neck."
    • "Hmmm... cocktail party in the back. This must be 440."
    • "Should I wait? Nah! I'll give you sensory overload right now!"
    • "Here's a party game you play with all your friends--it's called Here's Some Code--What Does It Write Out?"
    • "I find parser generators to be good, clean, wholesome fun!"
    • "Maybe if I wave my hands in the air like so when i'm explaining the problem, you'll catch on."
    • "There's no way to explain anything without making all kinds of assumptions about the universe."
    • "Maybe I can get more people in this class if I call it, 'Programming languages--the good, the bad, and the unesthetic.'"
    • "By the way--is anybody following this? No? Oh well--we'll go on anyways and see what happens."
    • "Will I grant an extension on the project? That question reminds me of that Bob Newhart episode with the bus driver."
    • "You're not drunk? Well that's one problem with being at a school so low on the party index as IIT."

    CS495 JAVA PROGRAMMING - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "Open paren, open paren... where for art thou, open paren?"
    • "Our around-the-world ballon flight competitor made it to India... IIT's balloon made it to Indiana."
    • "Does this function go against object-oriented programming? Well, the weird thing is... I don't quite believe in object-oriented programming."
    • "Ahh.. the complexities of object-oriented programming: containment, abstraction, encapsulation, inheritence, apple pie, motherhood..."
    • "For people at the remote sites, there's an argument between two students as to whether object-oriented programming is efficient as opposed to disgusting."
    • "Java types: this is the part of the class that provides abstractions and good sleeping."
    • "You can only skip as many bytes as... I suppose... there are protons in the universe."
    • "The storage capability of hard drives is growing so fast, even Microsoft can't fill it up fast enough!"
    • "The three general rules of making money in software development:
      1. Always release a new version so people will have to buy it.
      2. Change the format in which files are written so users will be forced to upgrade.
      3. Change the interface around so users thing they're purchasing new and exciting features!"
    • "And now let's start the class off with something boring."
    • "I'm so fond of functional programming because it's so difficult to use."
    • "In object-oriented programming, can you send a message to an object? Like--when you're kicking a brick, do you send it a message or does it send you a message?"
    • "So how did I get this output pattern? Well 1. I don't know how we got this pattern, and 2. I adjusted the values of the program until I got this pattern."
    • "You know, writing the main program and instances of it reminds me of 'sleazeprogramming.'"
    • "Pardon me--my mind just slipped with the boredom of this subject."
    • "I usually get embarrassed when I am wrong 50% of the time."

    CPS387 COMPUTER SYSTEM DESIGN - U OF DAYTON (Thanks bro):
    • "Do you know the significance of 0xCAFE? Java programmers like to drink there!"
    • "There are three ways of dealing with negative numbers in binary, ranging from the 'hard to read' to the 'impossible to deal with.'"

    CPS346 OPERATING SYSTEMS DESIGN - U OF DAYTON (Thanks bro):
    • "I want lots and lots of cache, in small bills!"

    ECE218 DIGITAL SYSTEMS - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "The checkerboard is the enemy of the Karnaugh map."
    • "The computer is an incredibly fast and efficient moron."
    • "It's the most assinine thing I've ever seen." -from Chris Evans
    • "It's the same old story on the assembly line - garbage in, garbage out."
    • "A PROM is a programmable ROM - not a dance that electrical engineers go to."

    ECE213 DIGITAL SYSTEMS - ILLINOIS TECH (Thanks to Mike Schwegal):
    • "There is another way to do it that is ... how shall I say it ... a little more...kinky."
    • "So you want to drill me like I'm drilling you? No problem."

    EET108 - ELECTRICAL CIRCUITS I - U OF DAYTON (Thanks Chris):
    • "Anyone know how to find p('row')?... p, p, p your boat..."
    • Teacher: "Now I have..."
      Student: "30 minutes!"
    • "We're gonna stay here until someone cranks it!"


    LIFE SCIENCES

    MGT351 THEORY OF MANAGEMENT AND ORGANIZATION - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "Football is a very complicated game."
    • "You guys are sucks."
    • "There's only two guarantees in life: you live and die. If you want job security, go to prison--you work 7 days a week."
    • "Are you guys falling asleep on me? Does anyone need to go to the washroom? Smoke a cigarette? Roll a dope?"

    MICROECONOMICS 203 - U OF DAYTON (Thanks, bro):
    • "I guess you could take your [microeconomics] book to church to study."
    • "Now i've distracted myself by being cute."
    • "Did somebody say McDonalds?"
    • "In a bureaucracy you have two cows. The government takes them, kills one, and spills the milk from the other."
    • "If addicts go to jail for stealing T.V.'s, then the demand for crack cocaine goes down! It's an elastic demand curve."
    • "Don't break into my computer from my office...do that from your home!"
    • "How many of us had mercury for breakfast...lately?"

    MACROECONOMICS 204 - U OF DAYTON (Thanks, bro):
    • "It's like deciding between the football game and an X-Rated film. If you watch the football game, you give up the opportunity to watch the X-Rated movie!"

    BIOL107 BIOLOGY I - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "If you want a ginko tree, you need a smelly female."

    SOC200 INTRO TO SOCIOLOGY - ILLINOIS TECH:
    • "I plugged my butt into the socket; i'm thinking... my light bulbs are on.."
    • "He has a relationship with his garbage, but it's purely masculine."

    SCI190 - THE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE - U OF DAYTON (Thanks Chris):
    • "Well stop yawning and say, 'Yes master!!! We understand, master!!!'"
    • "I've embedded this question into your soul... hard!"
    • "Are you really embarrassed right now? Well, you're a freshman. You should be."

    REL319 - THE BOOK OF REVELATION - U OF DAYTON:
    • "God does not look like George Burns."
    • "Your guess is as good as mine, but I have the advantage of having studied Jewish literature."

    GEO116 - GEOLOGICAL HISTORY OF THE EARTH - U OF DAYTON:
    • "Today I would like to... get the overhead to work."


    WHY I DIDN'T GO TO CLASS...


    EXCUSES FOR NOT ATTENDING CLASS:
    • ILLINOIS TECH CS470 "EMAIL OF THE SEMESTER" ACCORDING TO MR. VIRGIL:
      • "I am your student in Cs450. My name is ........... I have a hemorrhoid bleeding and bladder infection. Yesterday Morning, I was urinating with fresh blood. Thus, I could not sit for two hour for final exam. today. Because when I sit, the pressure on my hemorrhoid and bladder will so painful!!
        Please response. Thank you."
      • "Hello Mr. Virgil:
        I am in a big problem. I couldn't able to take the cs470 exam because I overslept. I don't know how it happen but I am now in a state of tension. If you permit I can come for the exam tomorrow morning as early as possible.
        I hope you understand.
        Sincerely, ..."


    AVIATION

    FROM PRIVATE PILOT GROUND SCHOOL:
    • "If you think that's [altimeter] is inaccurate, wait 'till we get to the fuel guages!"
    • "There's no slowing up or speeding down."
    • "Class B is the busiest airspace due to intense airliner traffic--like at a regular airport. You go in there with your little Cessna and those Boeings will eat your lunch!"
    • "The purpose of a UNICOM is for ordering pizza."
    • "See this tab on the wing? When it's tripped and you hear that beep, the airplane is saying, 'Hey--dumbsh*t! You're about to stall your plane!'"
    • "$70,000? That's peanuts! The Air Force spills that much money in one day's length on the floor!"
    • "What the screw is going on?!"


    BBS/USER PROFILES

    FROM A USER'S PROFILE ON THE SHADOW BBS:
    • (I thought this one was one of the stupidest things i've ever read in a profile.)
      "When you feel terrific, notify your face....and SMILE!!!"


    DATING ADs

    • FROM A PERSONAL DATING AD ON THE INTERNET: "I like long walks on the beach, and puppies and flowers and posies and ponies and blood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    • FROM WWW.ONEANDONLY.COM DATING SITE: "Looking for a cute girl who has more than oatmeal between her ears."


    ROTC/MILITARY

    AS401 PREPARING FOR (AF) ACTIVE DUTY - ILLINOIS TECH AFROTC DET 195:
    • "The purpose of Air Mobility Command is to provide humanitarian support to other worlds."
    • "This joint effort is a 250 dollar-million project between the US and Japan."

    AS402 NATIONAL SECURITY FORCES - ILLINOIS TECH AFROTC DET 195:
    • "What?? Dirty magazines in the office drawer constitutes sexual harrassment? What if you just take them to the john?" -Joe Logan
    • "I was wonderin'.... how many firearms can I bring on base? Like, say if I wanted to bring more than one shotgun..." -Joe Logan

    AFROTC ARNOLD AIR SOCIETY - SCOBEE SQUADRON, AREA VII:
    • "Reminder--turn in your final continuity folder on 5 December... or blow up your house."

    AIR AND SPACE BASIC COURSE - MAXWELL AFB, ALABAMA (TEST CLASS):
    • "I hate other civilians. I'd rather hang out with you military guys all the time." -Mark, Civilian
    • "You run out of T.P.--critical time!" -Maj. "M", Instructor
    • To get our foreign ship, the [U.S.] president can commendeer it, we'll deputize the foreigners as U.S. citizens and then put guns to their heads." -Mark, Civilian
    • "To win a war, you must kill the civilians." -Mark, Civilian
    • "Yeah, I hear he's [the Chaplain] a real religious guy." -Mark, Civilian
    • "An important thing for sanitation is mess-hall facilities--where do you eat 'em?"
    • "I love to go to the flea market and barter with them.. 'Nah, that's too much!' ...you always win that way."
    • "Sorry for you people in the unimportant jobs because your jobs are not important. Sorry for you people in the important jobs because you'll work your butts off."
    • "Trying to read this is like trying to read Braille when you're not blind."
    • "Sir, we can't do this [operation] because a bread truck ran into our F-16."
    • "Shut up and color."
    • "Don't ask me questions I can't answer--I don't have a decoder ring!"
    • Lt. Jamil's solution to dispersing an angry mob at the front gate: 'Spray em with mustard gas.'
    • "This means what you did was cause an incident that attracted the interest of the media. In other words, you did something stupid!"
    • "Just do something until someone points out you made a mistake. That's what being a lieutenant is all about." -Lt. Jamil
    • "It's a safety violation for you guys to be running and jumping."
    • "Today's high will be about a billion degrees."
    • "This is a no-hat, no-salute area. If you do, your hand will be broken promptly."
    • "That's two kiwi-enemas for you!" -Mark, Civilian
    • "Make sure we have all the firefighting equipment such as flamethrowers, er, I mean fire extinguishers."
    • "Call those bozos at intel[ligence] and tell them to give us more timely info. If my a$$ was hanging out the window, it would've been shot off!"
    • "Sleeping during lecture is a legitmate form of social protest."
    • "If I could be any body part, I'd want to be the fallopian tubes... that's where it's happening!" -Mark, Civilian
    • "Look! I'm a safe driver.. my hands are at 10 and 2!" -Duff
    • "What kind of question is that--'where did you lose it at!?'" -Mark, Civilian
    • "This is intel calling. Our wing commander wants to know 30 minutes prior that a SCUD is inbound as opposed to three minutes after it hits us."
    • During operation Blue Thunder, Mark the Civilian was our Security Forces (SECFOR) commander. Here's how he handled security issues that were thrown at him out in the field:
      • "No, no, you don't need mustard gas--what I want to do is breed my own special type of crododiles for use as my SPs (security police)."
      • "If you see a group of people coming over the hill waving a white flag, set your M-16 to BURST."
      • "Sir, I've dispersed the crowd at the front gate with tear gas and rubber bullets."
      • "Interrogate the suspect by first pulling his fingernails out, then question him. If that doesn't work, I would take him and his buddy up in a helicopter, drop his buddy out to prove I mean business, and then the other guy would talk. If he didn't, I would drop him, too."
      • "As soon as the suspect ran the gate with the truck and crashed into the humvee, I noticed he was half-conscious and bleeding. At that point, I promptly filled him with 50 caliber bullets."
      • "The CE (civil engineer) wouldn't authorize the firehoses I wanted to disperse the crowd."
      • "I didn't want to leave the dead bodies in the street because the media would report it. What I wanted to do was bring the bodies into the base for proper disposal."
      • "Well, let me tell you, I don't care if the host nation sent negotiators to talk to the crowd at the gate. Our convoy needed to get through to the base so I pushed the host nation negotiators out of the way and killed the civilian crowd."
      • "Sir, the unidentified person who matched the description of the terrorist was only an airman without his ID card. I promptly issued him an Article 15."

    88TH OPERATIONS SUPPORT SQUADRON - WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE:
    • LT on the phone with a GI-Bill rep: "I really need money. So the only way I can get GI Bill money is if I'm enrolled in school? What if I sign up for a whole bunch of classes and drop them?"
    • "The system administrator changed my password--it's either ohio, buckeyes, or sh**head."
    • "I'm waiting for Doug to get off the telefungi."
    • "It's no fun being stupid in a no-stupid zone."
    • Regarding the groundhog problem on the base flightline: "Shoot them right between the lookers."
    • As the class went around telling their ethnicity (German, Irish, etc..), one student said, "I'm Tennessean."
    • Referring to Microsoft Flight Sim 98: "This [Cessna] has zero-sucka$$ aileron control!" -Jankovich
    • "Oh boy! Another glorious work day at Wright-Pittiful AFB."
    • "What was that lady's problem!? It's like her face was chiseled in stone with a permanent frown. She must've chomped on some sh** or something!"
    • A 1LT answers the question of what it takes to earn the Legion of Merit: "Things... stuff... cause..."
    • "Going to a change of command ceremony is like going to the dentist: You don't like it and you're glad when its over."
    • "Anyone ever seen that movie Bridges of Madison, Wisconsin?"
    • "Why doesn't this pen work? It must be a virgin pen! It hasn't been rolled over yet!"
    • "Wow! The way you saluted that gate guard, I thought your whole truck was coming to attention!"
    • When I told the Lt Col 'have a good night,' he said: "DON'T YOU THREATEN ME!"
    • "I swear, if I ever get my server administration rights back, I'm going to lock out everyone from the Comm Group!!"
    • When I pointed out that the Captain ran a stop sign, he said: "That doesn't apply to me."
    • "Sure--I'll have Hawaiian Punch! That #4 Red dye does wonders for my ulcer!"
    • FROM THE MOCK PROMOTION BOARD - A 1-STAR GENERAL SPEAKING:
      • "Trying to differentiate close records is like trying to separate flysh*t from pepper on a black plate in a dark room."
      • "We don't put an Air Force member's ethnic origin on his record. However, for example, if the member's name is Fitzwald Bombatumbe..."
      • "You should have experience in all fields you're assigned to so that you don't act like a jerk overseas."
      • "Mistakes are made--the record is just sent back for correction. For example, I had one record where 'breadth' was spelled 'breath.' So the record inferred this Captain has 'strong breath.'"
      • "Now let's consider a short span of time--a short span being 20 years."
      • "...unless you were someone who went to Air Command and Golf [College]."
      • "This guy is a hard a$$ and a tough grader and probably never said he loves his mother."
      • "When this guy didn't get promoted to Major, he was called in for his woo-woo counseling."
      • "I hate it when staff summary sheets from Capt. Bozo, examined by Colonel Bozo, are dropped off the night before they are due. They just flip it in my inbox and declare Miller Time!"
      • "These people work seven days a week! You can't go to Davis-Monthan on a Saturday, set up a tent, shout HUAH! and say you're the best F-22 engine mechanic in the wing!"

    47TH FLYING TRAINING WING - PILOT TRAINING - LAUGHLIN AFB, TX:
    • "Confucious say journey of 1,000 miles begins with AF Form 899."
    • "I need to know what jobs you've held for more than six months--even if you were the basketball inflater at the gym."
    • "If you throw a big party, call us so we can perform a sanity check."
    • FROM AEROSPACE PHYSIOLOGY:
      • "The air is less dense because it doesn't have as much crap in it."
      • "It's tough to be a pilot when your loadmaster is dead--stuck in the celestial navigation unit and your co-pilot is dead with a pencil stuck in his heart."
      • "Anyone know why there's an unlubricated condom in the parachute survival kit? Because there're a lot of sheep and cattle in Texas."
      • "When in a survival situation, don't drink water near pasture areas because you might find cows left milky ways in there."
      • "You think you're gonna be a father and never change a diaper?? What're you smoking?!"
    • FROM T-37 SYSTEMS:
      • "How many Air National Guard/Reserve pukes do I have in this class?"
      • "Maybe you were numbnuts and didn't turn on your fuel boost pump."
      • "Trust me--your fuel boost pump is putting through enough corn flakes."
      • "This is Air Force controlled scratch paper for the final exam. You must return this with your exam or you will be a security risk."
      • "Please be serious when filling out your critique sheet. Don't put Mr. Stipo is a jerk. Put Mr. Stipo is personality deficient."
      • "And the award for 'Biggest Waste of Scratch Paper during an Exam' goes to the guy who only drew two tiny squares next to the staple on his paper."
    • FROM AERODYNAMICS:
      • "Did you know that aerodynamics MIGHT have a factor in your [flying] career?"
      • "I rode the jetstream in the T-38 from Randolph AFB to the Florida panhandle in 52 minutes--just in time to catch the 5pm seafood buffet special!"
      • WHEN THE TEACHER GAVE ANSWERS TO THE AIRCRAFT VISUAL RECOGNITION QUIZ: "This airplane is called the F-14 Tom Cruise."
    • FROM GROUND TRAINING - ACES FLIGHT:
      • "She calls herself a 'natural' behind the stick. It only took her three years to get 42 hours!"
      • "The T-37 has a tight turn radius that helps avoid obstructions. So if there's a busload of nuns and orphans in front of you on the runway you won't hit them."
      • "Sorry. That was unprofessional and uncalled for... but it was still funny."
      • "While performing the 'Anti-G' straining maneuver, don't worry--I won't check to see if you have a nice, tight butt, or anything like that."
      • HOW TO STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR ATTITUDE INDICATOR WHILE IN CLOUDS: "Pretend the attitude indicator is your wife and the airspeed indicator is a sexy woman who is passing by. If you stare at the airspeed indicator, you'll get slapped in the face by the attitude indicator because you didn't stay focused straight and level!"
      • "It takes one minute for the attitude indicator to energize... or in Dang's case, two strokes." -D.R.
      • "If you're off course, you need to re-get on course."

    333 TRS - BASIC COMM OFFICER TRAINING (BCOT) - KEESLER AFB, MS:
    • "I'm the safety officer. If you think something is unsafe, let me know and I'll act like I care."
    • "Safety issue--don't drink the water here or you'll have problems you don't want to admit to."
    • "Please--no coughing during my briefing."
    • "As a member of the comm group, our presence is far-reaching. We are the world.... we are the children." -Mike Turner briefing
    • "One objective of this curriculum is to make you feel the frustration of waiting to download AF Forms." -Don
    • "I'm going to Maxwell AFB next--the land of dueling banjos."
    • "Hi. My name's Ryan and I went to Utah State in Utah." -Ryan Hendrickson
    • "You know why Fred has 'INTEGRITY' tattooed on his chest? Cause he has to remind himself everyday."
    • "A.K.A. stands for otherwise known as!" -Jenn
    • "If you're late to class, fill out an AF form 62... or bring me krispy creme filled donuts."
    • "This guy was so ugly he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!"
    • BLOCK 3 - ENTERPRISE ENGINEERING - INSTRUCTOR ANONYMOUS
      • "But enough about angels... we're here to learn today about enterprise engineering--and we'll get to that someday."
      • "Hold on--I forgot my name. Let me check my driver's license."
      • "Don't start writing yet--we're still goofing off here."
      • "That's a pet peeve of mine--I hate working here."
      • "My name's [BLOCK 3 INSTRUCTOR]. I really don't want to be here--I started to go AWOL. But if I don't work here, I can't build my fishtank."
      • "I'm allergic to four grasses--and marijuana isn't one of them."
      • "He was 100 when his 60 year old wife gave birth? That's robbing the cradle!"
      • "This box scrambles sexually explicit channels like Playboy and American Triple Ecstacy--that's the best one."
      • "I like the name 'Cradle to Grave' where when the project is disposed of, you grab an instrument and go marching down the street--horn in one hand and bottle of liquor in the other."
      • "Under the FOIA [Freedom of Information Act], I can find out how many people dropped dead last night."
      • OUR INSTRUCTOR'S PHILOSOPHY ON CHILDREN--YES--HE SAID THIS IN CLASS!!:
        • "I have one son. He's the apple of my eye. Unfortunately, that apple has rottened. My boy's an idiot. I call him that to his face."
        • "Once you have a 17 and a 20 year old and they're out of the house--and that's a rarity in Mississippi..."
        • "I don't think anyone should have children after 30."
        • "My boy says, 'daddy, can you make me some cereal' and you just want to go slap 'em!"
    • BLOCK 4 - NETWORK FUNDAMENALS - Our instructor--winner of the "Murdered the Queen's English" Award:
      • Primitive = "primeitive"
      • Contiguous = "continuous"
      • Distributor = "distributioner"
      • Distributed = "disturbed"
      • Pixel = "pixeys"
      • Asyncronous = "asyncrosis"
      • Electrical = "erectical"
      • Electronic = "electronical"
      • Encapsulation = "encaption" and "encapatation"
      • Decapsulation = "decaption" and "decapulation"
      • Conectionless = "connectless"
      • Suite = "suit"
      • Specific = "pacific"
      • Queue = "query"
      • Execution = "exclusion"
      • Diagnostics = "diagnasis"
      • SIPRNET = "ZIPRNET"
      • NCC = "NBC", "MCP", and "BCC"
    • "I spent a year teaching electronics to 10th graders who couldn't divide 10 into one!"
    • BLOCK 5 - NETWORK APPLICATIONS - INSTRUCTOR ANONYMOUS:
      • "The Superuser is the person who has no life... absolutely no life. When there's a problem, he's the scourge of the earth."
      • "Using root is like a boiling hot knife through butter."
      • "This is like Klingon-ese to me..."
      • "I don't mind students looking at their watches but when they hold them up to their ear to listen if they're broken is when I get upset."
      • "P'n'P stands for Plug'n'Pray."
      • "Want to lose five pounds of ugly fat?... cut off your head!"
      • "Any more questions I probably can't answer?"
    • BLOCK 7 - SATELLITE COMM SYSTEMS - INSTRUCTOR ANONYMOUS:
      • "The sun is the center of the earth."
      • "Senior officers may be carrying bricks (2-way radio) or junior OICs may be carrying it for them..."
      • "Shoot me the juice screw... slip it in."
      • "This caused his CB transmitter to short out and probably caused him to say dirty words."
      • DICTIONARY REWRITES
        • ICBM = "Intercontinental Ballistic Metal"
        • Space Shuttle = "Spice Shuttle"
        • Specific = "Patific"
        • Reflected = "Refrected"
        • Cracking and Popping = "Crackling and Poppling"
        • Linearly = "Linearity"
        • Burst = "Blurst"
        • Request = "Repressed"
        • Signal = "Single"
        • Plastic = "Plastical"
        • Atmospheric = "Atmosphotic"
    • BLOCK 9 - DEPLOYABLE COMM AND INFO SERVICES - INSTRUCTOR CAPT J.:
      • "Is this data or a raw puking-out of facts?"
      • INSTRUCTOR REFERRING TO SOMETHING SCREWED UP: "Isn't that ass?"
      • "Don't try to read this--you will go blind and die."
      • SAFETY BRIEFING FROM GIL: "If drinking, use a designated driver. That's what we usually do... I mean, always do."
      • "It's gibberish.... it's Pokemon talk."
      • "The Army absolutely hates the C-17... but we can carry a whale in it to set it free and then go home. HUA Whales!"
      • "You'll carry one of those clipboards or gay, leather dayplanners..."

    49TH LOGISTICS GROUP - HOLLOMAN AFB, NM:
    • INPROCESSING:
      • "You don't want me to make it. I've been banned in six assignments from making coffee."
      • "I've seen everything from off-base vehicle accidents to on-base finger cut-offs."
    • OFFICER X: "What's this playground project?!"
      OFFICER Y: "Uhh.. its a place with mushrooms and slides and kids get wet with a hose."
      OFFICER X: "WHAT?! You mean to tell me we can't afford a titanium bolt needed for an F-117 but we can afford to pay for a squirtie for kiddies? Hell! For $300,000 I'll go out there with a garden hose and spray them myself! That mushroom better be made out of titanium!"
    • "I made a decision years ago not to get an ulcer over stupidity that is out of my control."
    • "The issue of the waterpark is not even on my radar scope... I'm sure this is a high interest item at command level."
    • Self-Aid and Buddy Care Course:
      • "So if I tilt his neck back and unintentionally cause injury, he can sue me? So, hypothetically, he's a dirtbag."
      • "If you are exposed to the 'Incapacitance' agent, then you will go night-night and be thrown into a POW camp."
    • "Did you know there are two brigadier generals on this base? One is the wing commander and the other is my wife."
    • "We can't do that? Well that's a bah-humbug-boo-hiss!"
    • "I found THAT out when there was a nuclear explosion in my office."
    • IMPAC (Gov't VISA) Training Class:
      • "There is a place on base where the water is undrinkenable."
      • "If you're buying Gatorade to thrist the quench of someone, you need written authorization."
      • "...which may be hazardous to them in a way that isn't safe."
      • "Docufy it."
    • WHEN ASKED IF THE BOSS WANTS TO STAY IN THE MOST EXPENSIVE LODGING: "It's like the Clarol commercial said... I'm worth it."
    • "Phase II [exercise]? fun? I've spent more time in a gas mask than most people have in the Air Force! I believe one of our commanders needs a psychological evaluation."
    • "I have to get the form from her, eh? Alright... I guess I'll call what's-her-bucket..."
    • "Holy-bleepin-holy-moly-sh*t!"
    • "These [gas mask] filters are about 3,000 years old! They couldn't filter a fart."
    • HEALTH AND WELLNESS CENTER NCO WORKER ON TELEPHONE: "You're from Material Maintenance Group? Don't you have a group motto? ....that's better. I'd appreciate a little attitude once and a while."
    • "What's in a 'weather kit?' Does it have a little vane, a pinwheel, and a little pouch of grass you throw in the air?"
    • "I don't 'bond' with people. I don't even like the word. Now if he wants to sit down and bullsh*t with me, that's fine."
    • "That's more wrong than two little boys in the same bed!"
    • "She's about as sharp as the leading edge of a beachball."
    • "That's why I usually dance alone--most of my partners are in jail."
    • "Just because we may never use a power tool doesn't mean we don't need it."
    • "It's funny in a not-funny way..."
    • WHY ONE OF THE SECRETARIES WON'T VOTE FOR BUSH: "He's a wimp! His desk is going to have a red phone and next to it a pink phone and the pink phone will be a direct line to his dad and then his dad will serve another term!"
    • QUESTION REFERRING TO THE AIRCRAFT PART CALLED A 'DIAPER': "Still got nuthin' with the Depends, huh?"
    • FEEDBACK ON THE COMPLETION OF THE $586,000 BASE PLAYGROUND PROJECT: "The quality of life on base has clearly increased."
    • EXPLAINING TO THE SUPS/CC THAT A LATRINE FACILITY WAS BEING BUILT IN THE GAF: "See, Kevin, we're building you a turlet."
    • "The bloody computer told me I don't have enough [encryption] bits to get into the site! I don't know what it's talking about! I have 42 drill bits!"
    • "Arkansas used to call itself the land of opportunity and first opportunity we got, we left."
    • "I'd rather rely on your computer magic instead of me trying to fiddle-fart this out..."
    • "Ok folks, we're at the ugly end of the butt-crack stage."
    • "You da shirt!"
    • AFTER A THREE HOUR POWERPOINT BRIEFING: "It was death by slide."
    • "I want to live long enough to make my wife's remaining days miserable." - Col A
    • "I feel like I've had 46 Mondays today, already!" -Ms. Joy
    • At the quarterly awards ceremony: "May I have your attention please--for those of you still enjoying breakfast, please turn your plates over and pay attention!"
    • "For example, if Tech Sergeant Umpty Scrunch..."
    • "Airman Snurd."
    • "People at rioting in downtown Belgrade and we're arguing over a (Air Force form) 1206!"
    • "When I call your name, please come award to receive your award and have your picture taken with an ugly chief." -Col A
    • "We want you to have a safe, relaxing, 3-day weekend. Any other questions? Ok--go have a sh*tty weekend." -Maj R
    • "How in the world can we fight off terrorists with no coffee?!" -Maj R
    • Space/Missile guy talking about earning his blue suit: "Yeah, well, it took me one full key turn to earn this bag!"
    • At Chemical Warfare refresher training: "If you hear the traditional army bugle, it means we're [our air base] is under a ground attack and the army has let us down."
    • "Un-technically, it's my safe" - Sgt. Munguia
    • "We're going to have a meeting later today and there will be hail, fire, and brimstone coming out of my office."
    • "Civilians who live on base don't make enough to have 'screw-off money'."
    • "More snacks? I'm gonna look like a freakin'... chub-a-dub when I get out of here!"
    • "I think it's mis-spelled wrong."
    • "If there's a fire at your refueling station, bend over and kiss your a** goodbye!"
    • ACC Flight Commander/Superintendent Course - various instructors
      • "I do all my bills through Quicken. In fact, I pay my kids' their allowance through Quicken."
      • "I was hired because I'm bald and ugly" -TSgt Montgomery
      • "We've come to a point where everyone should get a medal every time they pass gas."
      • "Falling on your face is cool because its the one time your butt hits the back of your head."
    • Chief talking about a trailer hitch for a truck: "It'll take two beers to bolt in. That's how I measure time."
    • "All the people [soldiers] that came back from Vietnam got promotions ... my husband got a demotion. He punched out a major ... but for good reason!"
    • "My father used to tell me to always take five times as much alcohol as one person can humanly consume so that you'll have enough to last you until the last day of the [fishing] trip."
    • "SPIN (Special Instruction) #2 authorizes Security Forces to use common sense ... now that's scary."

    49TH COMMUNICATIONS SQUADRON - HOLLOMAN AFB, NM:
    • "Wait! I want to see the full moonlight, pitchblack! There's still sun stuff around and its getting fader."
    • "Ok, I've got enough information to hang myself now. Thanks."
    • "Make yourself useful--that's an order!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    • "You're making too much sense right now and I don't need that in my life." -Terrell
    • "...like say Lieutenant Colonel Yuckity Muck McYuck..."
    • "My alcohol low-level light is on." -Chief G
    • "What is it with you and coffee-stained paperwork?" -TSgt M
    • "I remember ... but I forgot!" -A1C B
    • "That was underwhelming."
    • "If you love something, cherish it......... and then KILL IT!!!!"
    • "That's spelled incorrectually."
    • In CPR class: "When giving chest compressions, put the palm of your hand, simply, between the nipples. However, in older women ... well ... it's not that easy."
    • Regarding PKI/MGS implementation: "P-K-I ... M-G-S ... M-O-U-S-E..." -Capt B
    • When running low on coffee: "Uh oh--looks like we're at CoffeeCon Delta"
    • "Where there's a rule, there's a waiver." -Capt B
    • "This is not panicky-hot."
    • "I need a mega-tiny favor."
    • TDY FOR 2 WEEKS ON THE USS MOUNT WHITNEY, NORFOLK, VA, JTFEX 01-3
      • "Muy bien ... I think."
      • "I entertain myself--I call myself names."
      • "I haven't had this much fun since I beat up my little brothers."
      • "Do you have any food? I need to feed my tapeworm."
      • Regarding a possible software error on the 3-D battlefield display: "My scuds are dangling... I have dangling scuds... sounds like a personal problem."
    • Regarding a rain cloud outside that was localized over just our base and not the town: "It's one of those cartoon rains." - A1C Blount
    • WalMart on 11/4: "I need a member of maintenance for a wet clean-up in the magazine aisle... wet clean-up in the magazine aisle."
    • "The thing I hate about teaching stress is how stressful it is." -Family Support Center
    • Chief G at the 49 SPTG annual awards luncheon: "For this next award, we ask that you hold yourselves for the picture."
    • Annual Chem Warfare refresher training:
      • "If your partner shakes uncontrollably on the ground, give him all three sets of injections. If that doesn't cure him, then look for his wallet and watch because he won't be needing it anymore."
      • "If you're in a chemically saturated environment, then just go (deficate) in your suit. It will degrade your suit ... and possibly you."
    • Preparing for the wing retreat: "All personnel with pagers and cellphones -- please turn them to vibrate mode."


    AIR FORCE INFORMATION WARFARE CENTER - LACKLAND AFB, TX:
    • "We take our jobs seriously but we don't take ourselves seriously at all."
    • "Happiness is having a line number."
    • "Helicopters don't fly. They just beat the air into submission."
    • "What's the matter? You look like you've got a rod up your butt with a rod up its butt!"
    • "Mmmmmm!!! Smell that? That's crap burning off the inside of the oven!" -Duff
    • "Anyone seen my dongle?" -MSgt F
    • "Someday I too want to be carried along, atop a concert crowd, in my underwear."
    • "His goal in life is to retire a lieutenant colonel and then go be the lifeguard at the pool at Tyndall (AFB)."
    • "I'm retired Air Force. My friend here is retarded Navy."
    • "[The movie] Time Machine had about as much intellectualism as this [dinner] plate." -Freddo
    • "Simon says 'You will comply'." -Maj K
    • "What do I look like--a CRON job?" -Dave B.
    • "Khaki's are so 20th." -Freddo
    • "That movie [rating] gets one burp ... not even worth the effort to force out the second." -Duff
    • "That spoiler makes that Neon go from zero-to-dumb twice as fast." -Duff
    • "Age and treachery will conquer youth and skill." -LTC H
    • "Are there any others questions I can say 'no comment' to?" -LTC C
    • "I didn't go to college to click on printers." -Freddo at an Net Vuln Assessment
    • "Vanilla Ice has made himself a life-long career of getting his a$$ kicked."
    • "This new Dell is a steamy, sloppy piece of sh$t!" -Shmoov
    • "Ever seen the 1951 movie 'Vikings' with Kirk Douglas? Now that's a man's movie. Where else can you see axes thrown at women?"
    • "What does the column 'with contractor' mean on this form? Perhaps it has the same meaning as 'with child'?" -Chris
    • Leon's way of posing the question of who farted: "Alright--who dropped treats?"
    • "We need the guys in the little white coats to come out and give you an 'I love you' jacket." -Chris
    • "Life is short. Eat dessert first." --Dave
    • "I cannot answer that question without first consulting my attorney.. and my mom." --Chris
    • "My upgrade in magic points wasn't even enough to cast [the spell] 'scratch my a$$'" --Chris
    • LEVEL 1 ANTI-TERRORISM BRIEF WITH MSGT. S
      • "Air Force Security Police invented chicken McNuggets -- at our squadron, we detonated blasting caps in frozen chickens."
      • Testing the wireless MIC: "Can you hear me now?"
      • "If you wanna drink [at overseas nightclubs], go home and do it alone--then lie your butt off on the social actions forms."
      • "If you've been contaminated, don't walk down the hall to tell the security guy that."
      • Looking at a black, gooey brain infected by Anthrax: "This is my wife's brain on algebra"
      • "Your low threat areas include Vietnam--so go there for your next vacation."
      • "You know--when the cops wear those Ninja Turtles outfits at the gate--with the helmet and get-up?"
      • "I've never been a patrol car-drivin', twinkie-eating cop."
      • "Don't wear your uniform when traveling overseas even though you're supposed to--just take the Letter of Reprimand ... it's better ... just kidding."
    • OSAN AB, SOUTH KOREA
      • Looking at the facing direction of the multiple Patriot missile batteries: "Well I guess you know which direction north [Korea] is..."
      • Referring to the "Juicy Girls" of the Songtan district: "Don't worry about how much money you spend on her, she'll still love you the same tomorrow."
      • Proposed bullet on Fred's OPR: "Combed by hair so strategically it brought down the Iron Curtain and saved the Air Force $60 million in retention costs alone."
    • "His script is really sexy." -K.K.
    • "I hate redundancy! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" -J.B.
    • "I like to get things done, not boot into Linux." -J.B.
    • Referred to "Aviation Week and Space Technology" magazine giving away Air Force aircraft frequencies: "In aviation leak and spy technology..."
    • "The Wing Commander is always on time. If he shows up at the meeting 20 minutes after it starts, he's on time."
    • "When using a two-way radio, point the antenna upward so that the signal travels parallel to the ground. If you point the antenna parallel to the ground, you'll only be talking to God."
    • The wrong way to assure if your commander is aware: "Sir, I don't know if you know anything or not..."
    • "If you want your name on a federal warrant, then come do what we do."
    • When someone was asked their official date of service: "Uhhh... first day of boot [camp]...?"
    • "On some missions, we bought... kind-of-explosives..."
    • "If you're caught and arrested by the S.P.'s then you owe the whole team beer."
    • "Doctors ... the only kind of people who make colonel in five years!"
    • "Mmmmm.... the smell of fried turds... must be Whataburger."
    • "This IS a special day for you--I let you live."
    • "I was interrupted from surfing the Internet." -J.V.
    • "Alright--who used my name in vain?" -Z
    • "You can't tell if he's happy or not ... you ask him how his day is and he looks at you like you asked for his ATM PIN number" -Leon
    • "Ettercap is my best friend." --Z
    • "I'm gonna fail this test--it's gonna be great!" -L.T. N. from the 262
    • "Ok, you lead, I'll follow. Last time I tried to drive it, I took a wrong turn and ended up in hell." -Pedro
    • "Never get arrested on an empty stomach" -Horn
    • "Today's exercise is called, 'Bad Day at the Office'"
    • "If you lose this temporary I.D., you--not the thief--will be shot"
    • "This is the plan to make the world safe for Wheaties."
    • "It's [Dameware] very cool. It's VNC on steroids, vitamins, and crack." -Fische
    • "Hey! I went to Squadron Officers School--I think I know how to make a PowerPoint "overview" slide..."
    • "50 Cent ... yeah, that's about as much as I'd pay to listen to his music..."
    • "There's a little bit of 'quitting' in everyone--you just have to find it." --JB
    • "I'm allergic to Telnets."
    • "The JavaGUI obviates--not ovulates."
    • "I'm a 'rubber stamp' Tech Lead."
    • In response to being told the band, 'lords of acid' is cool: "What kinds of acid are they lords of?--sulfuric? nitric?" -SR
    • "The 'web-telnet-no-PW'? How does that work?"
    • "I can sleep while I'm driving--just not when I'm hopped up on caffeine."
    • BLACK HAT/DEFCON 2003, LAS VEGAS, NV
      • "What's the future of PGP in the next 10-15 years? Well, it's the 21st century and we were promised space cars! Where are my space cars!?" -Phil Zimmerman, President/CEO of PGP
      • "Ken was more excited about this action than when he worked for the three-letter agency that faked the moon landing."
      • "Our schedule is aligned so that we're the first [group] to get to the coffee break."
      • "If attorney says, "Wouldn't you agree that...," I'd never say yes
      • "Just fax me all the data on the entire computer."
      • "The Singapore police had all the computer forensic information except the time the suspect is supposed to be beaten."
      • "I know this app[lication] is not normally used by human beings--it's weirdware."
      • "I know there are some Microsoft people in the audience--I don't like you either."
      • "The Chinese hacking toolkit has a tool to hide the instance of your program running from Task Manager. That troubles me--I'm going to ask God about that someday."
      • "If the government asks you to go to sunny Iraq, where there's free shrapnel for all the little kiddies..."
      • "This is better than peanut butter and napalm!"
      • "[On the stand,] you could say, 'would you please repeat the question?' or in Beaumont, Texas, say, 'huh?'"
      • "You don't need a husband or wife--you need [the program] WinHex!"
      • "We can create a fake [browser] certificate relying on browser misconfiguration or user dumbness."
    • "Getting fired is the only thing I can really count on around here" -J
    • "You got an issue? I got a tissue."
    • Alternate description for money: "A phat stash of off-the-hook bling bling."
    • Answer to the question if you're going to 'the staff meeting': "Sure--I could use a nap."
    • "You are such a loser, dude--having a SCO coffee cup." -Karl
    • Land Navigation instructor: "It has come to my attention there're multiple verions of this map. ...It's probably not a big deal."
    • "I would be in your debtness." -Ryan
    • "Why not Minot? Freezin's the reason." -Maj D.
    • "They need to take the designer of the San Antonio freeway system, attach electrodes to his testicles and stand him on a MRE box, with a hood over his head."
    • "I'm your typical American... I want to go out in my front yard, walk across my grass in my bare feet, talk to my rosebushes and shrubs ... and water the $hit out of 'em..." -M.M.
    • "Euthanasia? Who cares about kids in Asia?"
    • "I really liked the project. It was completely pointless and totally dumb ... but we did it!..."
    • Briefing on identity theft: "We're breeding a society of people who love to talk (cell phone voice/text, chat rooms, Internet) and now we're trying to teach them to shut up."
    • "I refer back to my Army training ... of which I have none." -Maj F.
    • Another name for shrimp-flavored Ramen cup-o-noodles: "Rubberbands and shrimp for lunch, eh?"
    • "The Air Force isn't old enough to have traditions yet ... we have 'promising trends'"
    • "Secure SSH tunnels are just cryptological poo-poo" -K.K.
    • "For a good time, telnet to..." -M.S.
    • "Where is my car battery and nipple clamps cable?" -Maj F.
    • "This job just keeps getting funnerer and funnerer." -Seabass
    • "In my experience, there are two forms of authorization: #1 is formal, written approval; #2 is the 'you didnt say I couldn't' approval." -Space
    • "Nobody gets a perfect mid-term performance feedback...except Jesus." -Maj D.
    • BASIC LIFE SUPPORT (BLS) CLASS, WILFORD HALL MEDICAL CENTER
      • "If the victim is decapitated or cut in half, then you will not do CPR."
      • "Don't perform care on a child without parents' consent; otherwise, parents would go apenuts."
    • "I came in late [to work] so I'm making up for it by leaving early."
    • "Alright, ladies and germs..." -Maj W.
    • Written on paper: "50% Crumley + 50% Werling = 100% wrong"
    • "I had a classified thought at home, last night..." - Dr. B.
    • "Let me add, one more time, that I am busting with pride." - Col N.
    • "In my 21 years in the service, this is the best organization I've ever worked with. That's my squishy-squishy..." - Chief S.
    • "What happens is this history report is packaged in a crate, buried in the basement of the White House by an FBI guy ... like when Indiana Jones found the crypt of doom."
    • "He's not here. He went to Colonel Boardman's thing-ie-doo." -SrA W.


    18TH MAINTENANCE SQUADRON - KADENA AB, JAPAN & PSAB, SAUDI ARABIA: (Thanks, Matt)
    • Feedback on an EPR: "Need new line 13 with zing!"
    • "So yeah, the other day I saw a Saudi woman in her abbaya...and I caught just a glimpse of her ankle! It was so hot...I had to take a cold shower." --SMSgt Herd
    • "Well, we don't have any power right now...so we can't use our computers or email or anything...and we're engineers...so we're just gonna go home before it comes back on." --1Lt Broder
    • "I took your chair because I'm a Chief and you're not, and also because I'm permanent party and you're not. So basically you're a$$ out." --CMSgt Swain
    • "Well, congratulations Matt, I see you've been promoted from butt-boy to pivot man!" --Maj Wood
    • Conversation...
      • Capt Reynolds: "Hey, you two are my new Maintenance Analysis and Data troops, huh? Well, what did you do at your last base?"
      • A1C Stevens: "Sir, we analyzed stuff."
      • Capt Reynolds: "Oh...what kind of stuff?"
      • SrA Jones: "Data."
      • Capt Reynolds: "Yeah...I guessed that."
      • A1C Stevens: "Yeah, you just give us some data, and we'll analyze the heck out of it!"
      • SrA Jones: "But we only like maintenance data. We don't like any other data."
      • Capt Reynolds: "..... I'm gonna put you guys in the office farthest away from me."
    • "You know, life is pretty strange sometimes, and you just never know when you're gonna need a 5/8 drill bit." --TSgt Reder
    • Status report from the backshop: "We're not real motivated today...we're pretty much low-speed, high-drag. In fact, we're going to lunch. Again." --SSgt Curtis
    • "Supply are two-time losers...nobody wants us, and we're starting to get a complex about it." --Lt Col Hession
    • Sign on egress truck: "363rd Ejection Section: WE PUNCH OUT PILOTS!"
    • Lt Col Lundell (LG/CD) on priorities: "I can't talk re-org issues right now, Capt. Reynolds. Can't you see I'm making popcorn?"
    • "I'm so busy, I don't even have time to pee! It'd be easier if I just peed in my pants." --Capt Mark Thurbush
    • Sign posted outside one of the buildings in 'Ops Town' by a cactus and some sort of bush: "Base Housing Yard of the Month"
    • "I miss my girlfriend, man. Of course, I also miss my wife..." --Maj Wood
    • "Those guys wrote us up for having an eyewash station in direct sunlight, 'cause it gets too hot. Well, duh...so I wrote, 'Corrective action: Turned off sun'." --SMSgt Herd
    • "However, today I got an interesting request. The substance of the request was that the guys down at Depot would like to make a certain modification to the mighty E-8 JSTARS aircraft, so that it would be better equipped to assist with carrying out the Air Force's mission of Transformation--that is, transforming living bad guys into dead ones. The request--which I can only pray comes to fruition soon--was to install a microwave oven in the E-8 Joint Stars. America's Air Force: Death from Above...and Hot Pockets for All!" -Matt


    INCIRLIK AB, TURKEY:
    • "Little kids are like beer--shake em up and they foam."
    • "When parties get out of control, the Security Forces morale control team arrives."
    • Regarding the rear fold in pilot's blue flight caps: "What's the deal with you people who do that to your flight caps? Is it: 'the bigger the smash the bigger the dork'?"


    SQUADRON OFFICER SCHOOL (SOS), Class 2004G, MONTGOMERY, AL:
    • "Dude! You just drove into town and the first thing you did before school started was drink at a bar until 6AM? You're my hero!" -Reynolds
    • "When we're playing against the other Flights in flickerball, I want blood, because that's what makes the grass grow!"
    • "I was the #5 graduate in my class ... of 5."
    • "If you allow an incoming telephone call to the classroom phone, I will pick up, ask who the phone call is for, hang up on that person and then beat you up."
    • "If you've had too much to drink, call me and I'll drink you home. If you're calling me because you're in jail for a DUI, I will take you out into the woods and kill you."
    • "Ok, Ingrid, you read the first sentence of the paragraph and then the rest of you gangbang it."
    • "I will be really disappointed if I serve 20 years in the Air Force and not have killed anyone."
    • "Dude--you're a janitorial engineer? I never made it past hamburger technician." -#9
    • "There's gravel and unpaved road on the running path. It's not dangerous ... Well, it's AETC-dangerous..."
    • "The presentation is about to begin. Please switch pagers, cell phones and babies to vibrate."
    • "It was simulated, real-world."
    • Referring to the country bar, 'Pure Country': "Yeah, we're going to dinner and then later we'll meet you at ... uh, what's that place ... the Electric Belt Buckle"
    • Regarding (former) Strategic Air Command (SAC): "I am a SACumcised killer, HUAH!"
    • "Anytime you have to PT without your hands in your pockets--you're doing something wrong. Now grab your pocket and pull..."
    • Regarding The Ken Blanchard Situational Leadership Model II: "I'm gonna go S1 on your D2 a$$!"
    • "I forgot my wedding ring, today; I left it back on Bourbon St."


    AIR FORCE INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, WRIGHT-PATTERSON AFB, OH:
    • "Today, I'll be briefing you on the dangers of the '101 Critical Days of Summer' because I recently became a statistic."
    • CSCE 544 DATA SECURITY:
      • "The writers of the RSA algorithm aren't famous--they're just mushrooms in a basement, like the rest of the company employees"
      • "I'm the easiest teacher and grader in this school; you did the right thing by signing up for this class."
      • "I'll sign anything [leave request] but play 'fat old man' if you get in trouble."
      • "Well, we just had a 20 minute break. Extended breaks like this make me the most popular teacher."
      • "If you know Alice and Bob, you know 99% more about crypto than the rest of this world."
      • "Number theorists have a bad reputation in the math community--don't ever turn your back on one."
      • "When the power goes out and Dayton-Power&Light won't turn the power back on until you tell them the greatest common divisor of 34 and 170, you'll know what to say."
      • "Von Kasiski liked to work in his garden and then go inside and break that son-of-a-b!tch Vigenere's cipher"
      • "Don't try to factor this number on your computer--if you do, it will turn into a space heater."
      • "Back when these guys were developing their number theorems, the height of tech support was sharpening your pencil!"
      • After an hour on explaining exponential ciphers: "So here's the good news... I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by sticking to Nationwide (and got a couple of fire extinguishers and a smoke alarm to help lower my homeowner's cost!)"
      • "It's the most non-sensical thing you've ever heard!! Well, it ties for third place, anyway."
      • When a student talked about his girlfriend coming to visit for the weekend, the instructor says: "Look--no one cares, alright?!"
    • CSCE 489: OPERATING SYSTEMS:
      • "So Process-1 and Process-3 are competing to enter the CPU. Where's Process-2? He's off taking a toilet break..."
      • "I can explain this project: it's like a brain massage...or a 15-round knockout"
      • "2 to the 64th... what is that--a ka-doodle byte?"
    • CSCE 527: CYBER FORENSICS:
      • When a bad joke was made: "R-R-R-R!! That's a courtesy laugh." --MSgt C., USMC
      • "Dude--when I was in bed, last night, I had an epiphany."
      • "Because of its changing nature, it's kinda dynamical..."
    • INTRO TO OBJECT-ORIENTED PROGRAMMING:
      • "I did know; I just didn't know I knew." -Dr. B.
      • "Roses are red, violets are blue, make a constructor, or the compiler will do it for you" -LtC H.
    • ADVANCED SOFTWARE ENGINEERING:
      • "...So don't go pulling stuff out of your...previous classes." -LtC H
      • "Watch out for bad 'code smells'" -Maj G
      • "Now aren't you glad you don't live in a typeless world? When you do, a whole new world opens up where you can shoot yourself in the head."
      • Instead of 'food for thought?': "Food for indigestion?"
      • "There's nothing that can't be fixed with one more layer of indirection. If that doesn't work, just add one more layer."
      • "Wasted away again in Objectville..."
    • AUTOMATA, FORMAL LANGUAGE THEORY:
      • "The set of Natural numbers goes N={0,1,2,...}. Some have published that N begins at 1. These are evil people which you should stay away from."
      • "There are a lot of things to consider here. #1: Who cares?..."
      • "You don't know 'Sterlings Approximation'? Then beat up a math guy until he tells you."
      • "Don't worry--instead of making the same mistakes over and over again, I've got fresh, new, exciting mistakes."
      • "I'm sure 'the pumping lemma' is the talk at all the parties."
      • "I don't recommend you try and make the polynominal formula out of this. It's deadly dull."
      • "Some things in this universe are more infinite than others."
      • "I want you to turn in your mid-terms to me by Friday so I can ingore them on my coffee table for the whole weekend."
      • "That's why you're here in this class: to suffer through nightmares."
      • After the lesson: "You'll feel better when the swelling goes down."
      • "You've heard of a 2-pair 'paradox hotel' ... but how about a 'tripadox hotel'?"
      • "Don't drive and derive (formulas)."
      • "So next time you go to the 'Bucket of Blood' tavern..."
      • When the student asked, "How do you explain the set containing all sets that doesn't contain itself?": "When you die, you're going to hell, for asking that."
      • "Alan Turing--who invented the Turing Machine--couldn't administer crap."
      • "Don't come to me with your mid-term score and say you got 6 points but he got 9, for the same error. If you do, I'll take off 3 from him instead of giving you three more."
      • "So feel free to stay for this optional course, unless you have extenuating circumstances...like your wife and girlfriend are both pregnant."
    • PARALLEL/DISTRIBUTED ALGORITHMS:
      • "Some people swear by this machine ... others swear at it." -Dr. L.
      • "I know Dr. L is glad for us to be here ... and that we're not enjoying ourselves..." -Lt. L
      • "This school has hung a 'steak on a stick' for me to catch...and now that steak has rotted and fallen off...and I'm not hungry anymore." -Capt S.
    • MACHINES, LANGUAGES AND LOGIC:
      • "Doesn't Godel's 'Theorem of Incompleteness' shatter an ideal of reason? Yes--just to piss you off!"
      • This theorem says, 'to hell with you and your tricky crap.'"
      • I've read existential philosophy in my younger years and it's a crock of bubbling shit."


    83D NETWORK OPERATIONS SQUADRON (INOSC EAST), LANGLEY AFB, VA:
    • "The server's level of crashiness went up, today." -Paula
    • "That's not an issue. The issues are the issues with the issues." -LtC C.
    • "If you show up with POA&Ms (Plan of Action and Milestones) and excuses, they'll look at every stitch in your underwear." -LtC L.
    • "The solution was so unsexy, it went to the bottom of the unsexy pile."
    • "Second Lieutenants can point to North nine out of 10 times."
    • "No more errant turds my way, please." --LtC K.P.
    • "It's fun to dime out O-6's; Colonels know how to warp time and space."

    333 TRS - ADVANCED COMM OFFICER TRAINING (ACOT) - KEESLER AFB, MS:
    • "If you want something bad (enough), that's the quality you'll get."
    • "We advise the commander what to do; if they don't, they go to jail--we go to lunch."
    • "I have a degree in computer technology, otherwise known as 'cut-n-paste' technology."
    • "We asked him to do one thing and he turns around and does a 'nice little ju-jitsu-boom' and did the exact opposite!"
    • "Cell tower placement revenue is 50-50: 50% for the base, 50% for Congressional keg parties."
    • "I wish you didn't hear that; everyone stick your head in the microwave for a 10-second degauss."
    • "...So if you see a spectrum manager 'freakin' out, that's why...no pun intended."
    • "Flexibility is the key to airpower...and back-dating is a close second"
    • "Deployed Postal is an important duty, so you don't crush the Congressman's kid's cookies at Christmas."

    COMBINED SECURITY TRANSITION COMMAND - AFGHANISTAN (CSTC-A) CJ6, Kabul, Afghanistan:
    • "The Afghans have a DRMO [Defense Reutilization Management Office] program...it's called a Bazaar."
    • "My f&#*$(% Unit hasn't called me in the whole time I've been here! They didn't even call to ask if I have any more holes."
    • "If you want to know what an a$$hole looks like, just look at an MPRI contractor."
    • "I got the commander in a corner last night and I planted a seed in him, about this subject."
    • "The meeting was three hours long; I had my iPod on some of the time but slept through most of it."
    • "I'd rather chew on the bottom of a shoe than eat spam."
    • "It's not raining… it's 'sky P'."
    • "My getting this to Reggie is like throwing a potato chip in a tornado -- it won't make it."
    • "I think he's Danish or Irish or some sh!t like that."
    • "I had an unfair advantage…I was alive at the time."
    • "'Unthaw'--how stupid is that--I'm not going to re-freeze my TV dinner… it's like 'hot water heater'--the water's already hot!"
    • "I’m not happy until you're not happy."
    • "I've got nothing to hide from my wife … anymore."
    • "Basketball is just a bunch of guys in underwear trying to get a round ball into a bucket."
    • "There's wrong…and then there's Army wrong."
    • "They don't know what they need to do but they want to do more of it."
    • "These guys need to drink a warm glass of 'get your sh!t together'."
    • "The way I fished in Vietnam: threw a grenade in the lake and picked up what landed on the shore."
    • "Let me kiss you’re a$$ and say 'you were right,' three bags-full."
    • "These vehicles are so thin-skinned that the first time someone farts on it, it'll fall over and explode."
    • "So a chlorine attack happened and now they want us to saddle our gas masks to our side? Gee, let's see: chlorine gas melts plastic so when a bomb goes off, I want to rush to put my mask on so it can melt to my face?"
    • "The 'good-idea fairy' ran out of poop when that dumb idea was nix'd."
    • "If you ever get the feeling of not being hungry, it's because you're eating dirt."
    • "Hindsight is 50-50" - Col L.
    • "This guy had A.D.D.! He forgots things easily! He has a 2KB hard drive in his head!"
    • "Once you're an O-6, you don't read anymore...unless you have to sign it--and that's if they're not trying to get out of signing it."
    • "I told you already -- I have an overactive sniffer."
    • "It's ass-kickery in its highest form."
    • "He who has the most Top-Up Cards...wins."
    • "The national flower is the opium poppy--the national bird is the fly."
    • "Surely, there's a can of 'Afghanistan backbone' at the bazaar."
    • "So are you a licker or a sucker? Are you a cruncher?" (talking to a guy eating a lolly-Pop)
    • "DISA: where the sum of the parts is lesser than the whole. Those guys are 5 years behind on any project."
    • "What happens when you put two O-3s together? You get O-nothing!"


    RELIGION
    • "If you're on a diet, we'll have air for you to eat." -Pastor B
    • "Our chili cook-off is a soul-winning machine." -Pastor B
    • "Arkansas used to call itself the 'Land of Opportunity' and first opportunity we got, we left!" -Brother Taylor
    • "Dead people cannot sin. Go on to a graveyard and say to a few gravestones, 'hey! Wanna go do some sinning?'" -Pastor B
    • "The only thing that kept me from being baptized was my afro would shrink. I'd have a TWA--teeny-weenie-afro." -Pastor B
    • "Do we need to defend God? No--God doesn't need defending."
    • When the pastor asked an unsaved if he liked churches: "Sure! I love their chicken!"
    • "The only good serpent is a dead serpent ... I don't even like the rubber ones!"
    • Visiting preacher after being introduced by our pastor: "Well after an intro like that, I can hardly wait to hear myself preach!"
    • "I wanted to have a Burger King relationship--I wanted it my way."
    • "When you have special occasions when visitors and family come over, you prepare the table by bringing out the good crystal... when the pastor pays a visit, you get out the plastic cup."
    • Six-year-old to his dad while finding his pew: "See what happens when I haven't had my coffee!"
    • "I do good for nothing; therefore, I'm a good-for-nothing."


    ON THE JOB
    AT WORK
    • "I have two comments for you. The first is a question and the other is a comment." - Charlie
    • "Sometimes it's a 3-coffee catastrophe." -Marketing people
    • "By not installing this software, you are pi**ing on my sandwich!!!" - Dr. [anonymous]
    • Female client calling tech support: "Do you think you could fix that printout? It looks a little yuck."
    • "Hey! You left me out! Make fun of me [too] or I'll kick your a$$!" -Spoore
    • "I did my first cesarian section today.. and I didn't get squirted! That was my goal!!!!!" -E. Harder, USAF med school
    • "Yeah I have the dance revolution game floor pad. I use it to write text files." -Jeff

    HABITAT FOR HUMANITY
    • "Everybody please drink a lot of water...with a hint of scotch." - Bob
    • "It's a good sign when twelve people are watching one guy hammer." - Bob


    WORK PHRASES I NEVER WANT TO HEAR AGAIN
    • "Sticky wickets"
    • "Fleshed out..."
    • "Irregardless"






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